Signs Your Marriage Is in Trouble (and What to Do About It) | My Growth Counselling

Every marriage goes through hard seasons. But sometimes the hard season doesn't pass, and you're left wondering if what you're feeling is normal stress, or something more serious.

If you've been searching for signs your marriage is in trouble, you're probably already sensing that something has shifted in your relationship. Maybe the arguments have changed. Maybe you've stopped arguing altogether. Maybe you feel more like roommates than partners, and you're not sure when that happened.

I'm Sherriden Brown, a Registered Psychotherapist and Certified Emotionally Focused Therapist in Mississauga. I work with couples who are trying to understand what's happening in their relationship, often before they've decided what they want to do about it.

This isn't a checklist meant to scare you. It's meant to help you recognize the signs early, while there's still time to do something about them, and to help you understand when it might be time to seek help.

In this guide, we'll walk through the early signs of a troubled marriage, including the negative cycles Dr. Sue Johnson calls Demon Dialogues, the stages a marriage often moves through as problems escalate, and how to tell the difference between a marriage that's struggling and a relationship that isn't safe. We'll also cover when and how to seek help from a marriage counselor.

What Does It Mean When Your Marriage Is Struggling?

A troubled marriage doesn't always look like constant fighting. Sometimes it looks like silence. You might notice you're avoiding conversations, spending less time together, or feeling lonely even when you're in the same room as your partner.

Every relationship experiences rough patches, and one hard season doesn't necessarily mean your marriage isn't healthy. What matters more is whether the same patterns keep repeating without getting better, and whether you and your partner still feel like a team when problems come up.

Early Warning Signs to Watch For

Some signs of trouble are easy to miss because they build slowly, infidelity is an obvious one, but most couples I see are dealing with something quieter. Constant criticism, feeling unheard, a lack of intimacy, or noticing you'd rather spend time away from the relationship than with your partner can all be early signs that something needs attention.

Other couples notice more obvious warning signs, like unresolved issues with your partner that fester instead of getting worked through, or one partner who seems to be walking on eggshells around the other. Left untreated, these smaller issues tend to grow rather than fade on their own in an otherwise healthy relationship.

Demon Dialogues: The Negative Cycle That Signals Trouble

As an Emotionally Focused Therapist, I look at these warning signs through Dr. Sue Johnson's concept of ‘Demon Dialogues’, the negative, repeating cycles couples get stuck in when they feel disconnected. Johnson, the founder of Emotionally Focused Therapy, named three common patterns in her Hold Me Tight framework: “Find the Bad Guy,” where both partners blame each other; the “Protest Polka,” the most common pattern, where one partner pursues connection while the other pulls away; and “Freeze and Flee,” where both partners give up and shut down.

The Protest Polka is considered the most common of the three, and often the earliest sign a couple is struggling. Recognizing which dialogue your relationship tends to fall into is often the first step toward changing it, with the right support.

Stages of a Dying Marriage: How Problems Escalate Over Time

A marriage rarely falls apart overnight. It tends to move through stages, starting with small, unresolved relationship issues, moving into emotional distance, and sometimes ending in what feels like living as strangers under one roof.

The earlier you and your partner can recognize where you are in this process, the more room there usually is to turn things around. Waiting until your marriage doesn't feel salvageable at all makes the work harder, though it doesn't mean it's too late to get help.

Red Flags That Go Beyond a Troubled Marriage

It's important to recognize the difference between a struggling marriage and a relationship that involves abuse. Ordinary marriage trouble can often be helped through couples therapy. Abuse, including controlling behaviour, threats, or physical harm, is never something one or both partners can resolve through couples counselling alone.

If this describes your relationship, please reach out to the Assaulted Women's Helpline (1-866-863-0511, toll-free and confidential, 24/7 across Ontario), or call 911 if you're in immediate danger. Your safety comes first, always.

When to Seek Help from a Marriage Counselor

Many couples wait a long time before reaching out for help, often hoping things will resolve on their own. There's no perfect moment to seek professional help, but noticing several of the signs above is usually a good reason to stop waiting.

A licensed marriage therapist can help you and your partner understand what's happening beneath the surface, and build a plan through marriage counseling that fits your relationship rather than a generic fix.

How Therapy Can Help Before It's Too Late



This kind of support isn't only for relationships in crisis. Many couples I work with come in wanting help before things reach a breaking point, hoping to strengthen a healthy marriage rather than repair one after the damage is done.

Using Emotionally Focused Therapy, we look at what's driving your relationship's cycle of disconnection, and work together toward a healthier, more successful relationship going forward. Recognizing these signs doesn't mean your marriage isn't worth saving. Often, it means the opposite: that you both still care enough to look for help.

Frequently Asked Questions About a Troubled Marriage

Is my marriage over if I recognize these signs? Not necessarily. Recognizing these patterns is often the first step toward change, not a sign that it's already too late.

What's the difference between a normal rough patch and a marriage that's in real trouble? A rough patch tends to pass. A troubled marriage often has the same conflict repeating without improvement, or a growing sense of distance that doesn't lift.

Can a marriage really recover once contempt has crept in? Many couples do rebuild, especially with the right support. Contempt is serious, but it isn't automatically the end.

Should we try to work through this ourselves before seeing a marriage counselor? You're welcome to try, and some couples do find their footing again. If the same patterns keep returning, professional support often helps couples move faster than working through it alone.

What if my partner doesn't want to go to therapy? It's common for one partner to feel more hesitant than the other. Sometimes starting with a conversation about your own concerns is enough of a first step.

You Don't Have to Figure This Out Alone

Recognizing the early signs your marriage is in trouble doesn't mean your relationship is beyond repair. For many couples, it's the moment that finally pushes them to get support, before problems become harder to untangle.

Whatever stage you're at, you don't have to figure this out on your own. As a Registered Psychotherapist in Mississauga, I work with couples who want to understand their patterns and build something stronger, using Emotionally Focused Therapy. Learn more about couples and relationship therapy at My Growth Counselling.

If you're ready to talk, book your free 15-minute consultation today, and let's talk about what's going on in your marriage